Love Letters from Former Nuns: Kate

Kate learned more than she ever wanted to know about sex from Jessica’s sandy vagina.

When Jessica returned to the nunnery after spring break her senior year, she was quick to tell her squad that she lost her virginity on a beach to George. Jessica was very clear that George was not her boyfriend, and they were simply family friends who happened to be vacationing in Aruba together. The Jessica and George Beach Romp of 2015 was born from convenience and circumstance.

Jessica’s story was not meant for Kate’s ears, but Kate was made privy to the information for three reasons. One, Jessica is loud. Two, Jessica brags more than any human. If Kim Kardashian were to win a Nobel Prize in Literature for her hit book Selfish, she could not even begin to hope to brag as much as Jessica did about banging George. Three, Kate had every single class with Jessica, even the ones she had thought there would be no way Jessica would take, like Late Twentieth Century Art History. There was no escape for Kate.

If Kate was going to be forced to hear about Jessica’s sexual exploits, then she was going to try her darnedest to glean some helpful information from the babble. In between Jessica’s trying to figure out where she ranked in terms of her friends who had already lost their virginities (sixth) and her recitations of, “I had sex on a beach,” Jessica let some tips slip whether she knew it or not. The most important: if you are so inclined to have sex on a beach, lay out a towel or a blanket first. Jessica did not do this, and sand got in every nook and cranny. Kate brings home more than enough sand in her bag, her towel, her bathing suit, and her hair after a day at the beach. She could not imagine bringing it home in her vagina, too.

George did not have stamina at all; that said, Jessica did not seem wholly unsatisfied with forty-five seconds of just the tip. Kate thought Jessica was glad it was over before it really started because, apparently, it hurt, probably because of the sand. However, it was not Kate’s job to point that detail out to Jessica. Jessica’s friends tried, drawing evidence from their own, mostly pain-free experiences, but Jessica would not hear any criticism. Jessica, now on the defensive, insisted beach sex is romantic and spontaneous and sexy, and if the squad could stop missing the point that would be great, thanks. The squad knew better than to dispute again, and told Jessica that of course she was right about all those adjectives.

Kate did not know what to do with the information Jessica had unknowingly given her. Kate was not planning on losing her virginity on a beach to a family friend any time soon. However, she knew that if any man ever invited the possibility of beach sex, she would respond with a firm no. Unlike Jessica’s squad, Kate was not obligated to pretend that the prospect of sand up her vagina was welcoming.

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