Love Letters From Former Nuns: Samantha

Sam once paused a make out session to watch the end of a Star Wars film.

This is not a statement on the quality of the make out session, but rather the quality of the film. The make out session itself was very good, almost like a climactic scene out of a movie itself.

When Sam was twelve, she and her mother were watching some teen drama together. The protagonist, a Plain Jane high school junior played by a remarkably beautiful twenty-six year old, found herself in a kitchen with the popular Hot Boy, a high school baseball player for whom every girl lusted played by a chiseled twenty-seven year old. After several episodes worth of sexual tension and extended eye contact, Hot Boy finally kissed Plain Jane. But he did not stop with kissing. Hot Boy lifted Plain Jane onto the kitchen island and passionately French kissed her. Sam, blown away by this scene, rewound the tv and watched Hot Boy and Plain Jane resolve their sexual frustrations over and over. Sam’s mom turned to her and said, “Don’t get your hopes up, real boys don’t know that move.” Sam would like to take this moment to tell her mother that real boys do know that move.

But before getting to that move, real boys need to get up off the couch where they had been cuddling their partner and use the bathroom. So Sam sat patiently on the couch in the living room of Adam’s family’s house waiting for Adam to return so they could get back to Netflix and chilling. Up until that point it had been all Netflix and no chill, but that would change when Adam returned. Sam and Adam are huge nerds. But in one important moment they differentiated themselves from the oily variety of nerds in desperate need of orthodonture that populate every eighties teen movie: as Star Wars reached its climax, thus garnering the attention of every fan in the universe, Sam and Adam were engaged in deep, prolonged eye contact. Sam broke the eye contact first, so Adam grabbed her chin, pulled her face back towards his, and kissed her.

This first kiss was followed by more kisses, followed by some fumbling with hands and body positioning. Making out was new for the couple, although separately Adam had significantly more experience than Sam. But the former nun was able to hold her own with her personal Hot Boy. Sam tangled her hands in Adam’s hair and kissed him like she had never kissed another boy. Literally, because she had never kissed another boy like she kissed Adam. Whatever she was doing was working, because Adam took a pause for breath as an opportunity to tell Sam that she is a fantastic kisser. Sam decided to further shock and amaze Adam (with Adam’s assistance, but let’s give Sam all the credit, she deserves it) by straddling his lap like a real woman who knows what she is doing while kissing a real guy.

Although Sam and Adam were giving each other the ol’ razzle dazzle on that sensible family couch with Adam’s brother oblivious in the basement and Adam’s parents four towns over, their inner oily nerds were begging to be let loose. Rather than pause Star Wars, they paused their make out session to watch the conclusion for their favorite characters from a galaxy far, far away. Sam would argue that this decision was worth it. As the credits rolled, Sam and Adam’s inner nerds returned to where they belonged: the inside. With the Netflix over, Sam and Adam had no need to chill on the couch. Adam became Hot Boy and lifted Sam up from his lap. Adam then surpassed Hot Boy by proceeding to carry Sam up his home’s stairs and into his bedroom.

After setting Sam on his bed and shooing away the cat, Adam kissed Sam and continued their make out session. Sam would like to thank herself for choosing to wear a cute bra that day.

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