Love Letters from Former Nuns: Allison

“Hello,” said Henry, the cute boy from English 220.

“Your beard stubble looks soft like pug’s fur,” replies Allison, because this is a fake conversation she is having while shampooing her hair and she cannot embarrass herself in the shower.

Allison knows that she is not alone in the crowd of people who have fake conversations and the best ideas in the shower. However, much like the fights she practices comebacks for should anyone insult her intelligence, Allison’s fake conversations with the cute boys from her various classes will most likely never come out of the shower.

Henry’s beard stubble really does look soft like pug’s fur, but again, Allison would never actually say that out loud to another person, especially Henry. Allison’s problem is that she barely knows what to say to normal people, let alone boys. At this point, Allison’s foot should just relocate permanently to her mouth. But Allison is a fantastic writer. F. Scott Fitzgerald was able to woo his lovers through letters; it was when they met in person that the relationship suffered. Allison is like the F. Scott Fitzgerald of texting. She can craft witty banter and flirtations in the written word, but on the fly, when other stimuli distracts her from her wit, she tries to focus on the object of her affection only to be further distracted by his eyes. Honestly, the whole ordeal is exhausting.

Perhaps out of fear, no, definitely out of fear of embarrassment and rejection, Allison chooses to project what she lacks in conversational skills onto flaws in the boy. Henry is kind, funny, cute, and has common interests with Allison. But Allison chooses to disregard that because Henry is about 5’ 7” and Allison wears heels on a near daily basis. She towers over Henry when she wears her favorite boots, which is often because they are her favorite boots.

Henry is not the only person Allison tries to flaw for things out of his control. Ryan from History 245 has the same birthday as Allison. If Allison had to share her birthday, a day (month) that she loves more than anything, it would become less special. Allison does not want to share the center of attention; she had enough of that when she and her brother had to have combo birthday parties growing up. Bailey from Art 138 is three years older than Allison, which may not seem like a big deal but Bailey will be graduating soon. Who wants to start something so close to an ending? Walter from Sociology 101 has the same name as Allison’s Dad. Only psychopaths date someone with the same name as a parent. (Exception: Tim from the 2013 Richard Curtis film About Time)

While all these guys could reject Allison in real life, none of them can in the shower. Bonus: Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and John Krasinski can also make an appearance in the fake shower conversations.

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