Love Letters from Former Nuns: Delilah

Delilah hates malls, but she would hate them a lot less if Build-A-Bear were replaced by Build-A-Boyfriend.

Here’s the thing about people: they will never be exactly what you want them to be. Delilah isn’t even exactly what she wants herself to be, so how can she expect anyone else to conform to her standards? She can’t, and she never will be able to do that because people don’t work like that. But when Delilah’s relatives started asking what she wants for Christmas, Delilah, half-joking, told her Aunt Marigold that she wanted a boyfriend. She was not expecting Aunt Marigold to then ask her what she was looking for in a man.

Delilah answered that the guy needs to be at least 5’ 9”, because Delilah wears heels almost every day, and if the poor dude is any shorter she would tower over him. Delilah is a sucker for blonde hair and blue eyes, a fact she once told a blonde haired blue eyed boy while they were flirting only for him to respond with a “haha yeah.” Finally, Delilah said she just wants someone who won’t ghost her after one date, a low bar but one she sincerely hopes some boy somewhere will be able to rise above. Aunt Marigold asked Delilah if she was on any dating apps, and then said that the best way to meet guys is to go to parties. Neither of these ideas works for Delilah at all.

Tinder and Bumble make Delilah sad. There is no other word for it, she just gets sad from them. Delilah knows people who have found fulfilling relationships via dating apps, but she is not one of those people. Recently, Delilah asked a friend to set up a Tinder account for her, just for kicks. Within three minutes of being on Tinder she got this exact message: “my cocks so hrs.” Not only did this gentleman neglect the apostrophe in the contracted form of cock, but he also expressed that his cock was “hours” rather than what Delilah assumes was meant to be “hard.” Delilah has no time for poor grammar, not to mention the assumption that a conversation can be started with a woman by telling her you’re hard.

Delilah does not like loud noises, large crowds, or dark spaces. A college party is her personal hell. There is very little worse than entering a small, confined college apartment where the music is playing so loud you can feel it in your ribs and crowds of people five shots deep on strawberry lemonade Svedka are bumbling around until they throw up and pass out. If Delilah doesn’t like this “activity,” then why would anyone assume she would want to meet a guy who does? Delilah doesn’t have anything against people who party, she just hopes to find someone more interesting than the people who frequent parties.

Delilah is a nineteen-year-old grandma. If she had a Build-A-Boyfriend in her local mall, she would build a guy to go to art museums, small movie theaters, and hole-in-the-wall restaurants with before falling asleep by 10:30. She just wants a non-platonic hang out buddy who sends her memes. More than that, Delilah knows herself well enough to know that she needs someone willing to make an emotional investment in a relationship. She is not about just having fun, nor is she about not knowing what she is to someone. Delilah is out here looking for her nineteen-year-old grandpa.

If you or a loved one know anyone who fits Delilah’s dream man description, don’t hesitate to reach out.

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