Princess Carrara Marble: An Introduction

In September of 2003, Princess Carrara Marble was born. In September of 2005 on her second birthday, Princess Carrara Marble was brought to a tower on the outskirts of her kingdom with only a kind, anthropomorphized dragon as her caretaker. Her parents, the King and Queen of Cashmere, promptly left for a tour of the world to visit their royal friends.

The King and Queen’s actions appear negligent. However, what fairy tales do not tell you is that princesses are not placed in towers because of curses by witches, but rather because of a societal expectation that princesses are raised as damsels in distress until their prince comes to rescue them, usually on their eighteenth birthdays. The dragons both raise the princesses and ensure that the correct prince rescues his princess. The whole practice is encouraged among the royal community. Princess Carrara Marble is the only documented case of breaking with this tradition.

In May of 2016, Princess Carrara Marble, then twelve years old, decided she had had enough of the antiquated gender roles that landed her in the tower. She escaped her tower, having decided that she did not need a prince to rescue her. She could rescue her damn self. Princess Carrara Marble broke her bedroom door’s lock with a hammer, let herself out of the tower, trekked through the forest, and hitchhiked back to the castle.

A butler, startled by the sudden arrival of the princess six years sooner than anticipated, greeted Princess Carrara Marble at the front gate. Only the butler and a maid remained at the castle, which had not been inhabited by royals since the King and Queen left. Once the King and Queen were contacted and made aware that their daughter had freed herself from any distress, they informed the butler that they had been promised a sixteen year vacation, and they were not about to cut it short. Princess Carrara Marble then decided that she had made it ten years without parents, and she could make it six more. Her parents were allowed to stay on their world tour, and she was allowed to stay in the castle and rule as princess.

People were shocked that a princess was being allowed to live outside the castle, grow up in real society, and choose her own prince because one no longer needed to rescue her. Princess Carrara Marble was simply excited to have interaction with anything other than a talking dragon. Her favorite part of the real world was the television show Keeping Up With The Cashmerians, a reality show about a wealthy family living in the kingdom of Cashmere. Viewers were fascinated by the show because the Cashmerian family were living a life that very few people got to experience. Princess Carrara Marble was inspired; she was living a life that only she had ever experienced, and if the Cashmerian family could entertain off that premise then she could too.

After a series of interviews with various news outlets, two weeks of filming for her own reality show, and a lawsuit with the Cashmerian family because they wanted to be the only reality show shot in Cashmere, Princess Carrara Marble is pleased to introduce her podcast. Tea Time with Princess Carrara Marble: When Princess Carrara Marble Spills the Tea will be available to stream on Sundays starting May 20, 2018.

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