I Just Want Robert DeNiro’s Level of BDE

I need to accomplish something, anything, extraordinary fast because when someone decides to make a movie about my life, I need to be played by Robert DeNiro.

When I informed my mother of this, she told me, through astute observation, that I am a girl. I countered that my decision is not one based on gender, but greatness. Indeed, Robert DeNiro has had an illustrious career. He is arguably the better Vito Corleone. I am not completely sure I would make that argument, but I am sure someone would and someone else has argued on this front. I have only been alive for the later part of Robert DeNiro’s career, which has included such hits as Dirty Grandpa. I am not looking for the Dirty Grandpa version of Robert DeNiro. I am looking for the Godfather Part II/Raging Bull/Goodfellas version of Robert DeNiro. In a pinch, I will accept the Silver Lining’s Playbook version. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to even breathe mention of the New Year’s Eve version.

Basically what I am looking for is someone lauded and whom I admire while reminding everyone that I am Italian (aggressively so, according to Bill). Furthermore, I am not sure if I have BDE, but I would like to be played by someone who does. Robert DeNiro meets the criteria. But, and this is very important, I do not want Robert DeNiro playing me the way he played Don Corleone. I just want Robert DeNiro doing things that I have done. I honestly feel that Robert DeNiro reacting to my life is the best representation of the version of me that lives in my brain. If only I lived in Paris, then the vision would be complete. But I don’t live in Paris, so we will have to settle for Robert DeNiro living through the nonsense I have. If you can imagine Robert DeNiro sleep deprived and sitting in the hardest class of his college career when he suddenly forgets about the number three (3) and is very confused by the symbol that Chauncey, the professor who swears incessantly, has just written on the board before suddenly realizing that said symbol is a very basic number, then you can grasp the gist of this film.

The film must paint a picture of my life through sketches. Robert DeNiro cannot be portraying chronology, but rather a mood, the essence of my existence. Just the highlight reel mixed with the finer points of why I need therapy. You can decide for yourself whether Robert DeNiro sitting at the dinner table while my parents, played by Naomi Watts and Steve Martin, have a far too open and honest conversation with their children about masturbation, pornography, and sexual acts among other things belongs in highlights or therapy. (Actually, don’t decide for yourselves. Let’s set the record straight right now that these conversations are in the highlight reel and have contributed to the unusual honesty and comfort I have in talking to my parents about serious topics. Everyone should be as open as Naomi and Steve.)

I was reminded of how much I need Robert DeNiro to play me after I turned on Being Flynn thinking it was another film for which I had seen the trailer but had forgotten the title. I still am not sure what specific film I thought I would be watching even after a cursory Google search. I thought I was going to be watching a coming-of-age comedy, and instead I got a dark family drama that I needed to take a break from about two-thirds of the way through. Still, I was blown away by the performances of the lead actors: Paul Dano, Julianne Moore, and especially Robert DeNiro. The film wound up being good, but Robert DeNiro’s performance was great. The way in which he is able to disappear into a role so much so that I was able to forget I was watching Robert DeNiro solidified for me that his next challenge should be taking on the inner workings of a twenty-year-old who loves Connecticut probably more than anyone has ever loved Connecticut through all of human history. 

On the off-chance that Robert DeNiro is unavailable, please contact Jenna Fischer.

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